Got a safety squat bar. Picked it up from a CraigsList seller for $150. I was at a museum with the girlfriend right before so I had much-needed help getting it transported securely in lieu of my left arm being functional.
Gym was closed by the time we got back so it's sitting in my car until tomorrow. I'm not worried about theft because any burglar smart enough to want a SSB to the point of stealing it is alright in my book. I'll still craterize his spleen, though.
On a side-note, I can't believe there was no Persian section at the museum.