Earlier this morning at about 3:15 AM I was walking through downtown when I suddenly found myself confronted by a police cruiser growling quietly next to me. "Excuse me...would you mind showing some identification?"
My immigrant ass may not be from these here parts but I know a thing or two 'bouts the Constitution and I could have easily made a fuss about asking for probable cause. But when the short pudgy officer in the driver's seat started getting out I decided to stop and face them. The way he asked made it sound like he felt sheepish for even stopping me, which made much of the difference in how cooperatively I felt like responding
"Hmm...so what kind of vehicle are you driving tonight?"
"No vehicle. I'm walking."
"Oh...well, the reason I asked is because a guy wanted for a felony around here jumped in a white van and took off from us."
"Wow. What a wuss."
"Uh...well, he was wearing dark clothing and you..." He trails off and indicates at my dark blue UCLA hoodie and black jogging pants.
Struggling to hide my beam of pride at the compliment of being mistaken for a wanted felon, I ask, "Oh, when did this happen?"
His partner behind him: "Like...three minutes ago."
The first cop: "Say...do you have a brother?"
"Yeah...cripes, you know him off the top of your head? Not good."
He laughs. "Man, your records say you're completely clean-cut...what's the disconnect with your bro?"
"I'm not a family man. Ask him."
"Alright. Well, sorry to bother you, man. Keep an eye out for anything suspicious, will ya?"
"Affirmative. Once we locate the criminal scum they will be destroyed." I hold a clenched fist up.
"Uh...haha, just call the police, please."
As I walk off I can't help but be infuriated at this needless middle-man bullshit. Goddamn bureaucracy...why can't I just kill on sight? Images of a frustrated Callahan from Dirty Harry swirl in my head and I decide right then and there that I can't afford to wait around for the higher-ups if I find myself in the heat of action. Hostages could be killed while our forces are sitting on our asses waiting for the most meager of permissions to get the OK on things. Fuck that.
On the way home I run across a skunk. I get in a battle stance and it just lazily waddles off. Even the animals in this town are pussies.